He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
