I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize