I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
