The brown eye won't let me do that either.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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