Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
