there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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