I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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