I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
