I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
