we have pet lesbian snakes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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