If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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