I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
