I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
