I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize