i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
whose parrot is this?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
