I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
