and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
