No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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