Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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