When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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