There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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