Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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