Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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