what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
that's an acceptable place to lick
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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