It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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