I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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