I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
