jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I didn't shave. On purpose
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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