I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
