i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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