Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Someone came in the potted fern
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
