seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
