So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
