am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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