Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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