If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
