when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
