im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
