every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
