I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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