you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
