Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
