Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
