Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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