One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize