tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How's work?
Spinning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
