Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
