I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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