I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
