i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
