People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
