I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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