you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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