Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
