Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
