Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
