Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
