i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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