no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
