So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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