walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
