Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my shit smells like andre
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
